This past month has been...horrible. I'm so stressed out about the money situation, for my first semester of Discipleship Training. Being "all grown-up" is miserable sometimes, one day I think I have everything figured out and will have all of my money for DTS, and the next I'm so far away it doesn't look like I'm going to make it. I don't think I have ever felt the way I feel right now before. People are all the time telling me that they know what I'm going through, or they remember when they were in the same boat as I am, and I wish they would just stop! I don't really think that many people know what I'm going through, who can tell me the last person they know who graduated high school at the age of 17, and is moving hundreds of miles away from their families at the age of 17, never having been away from their family for more than a week at a time. I'm absolutely terrified. I question myself on a daily basis. I have no idea what I have gotten myself into. Sometimes I think it might just be easier to take a year off, work, get used to being on my own and then move, but I have so many people who have sacrificed so much so that I can go to YWAM, waiting to hear about my experiences that there is no way I would ever be able to do that without disappointing someone. I always have to be busy so that I don't think about moving away, whether it's reading a book, day dreaming or doing a "fill-in" whatever keeps my mind off of it is what I'm about to do. I have found myself growing farther and farther apart from the people I love because I don't want to talk to them about any of this because I really don't want to disappoint anyone...I'm scared. This evening I found a quiet spot on our property and just layed there and cried, prayed and God took me to a passage in the Bible...Proverbs 3:5-7 "Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and He will give you success. Don't depend on your own wisdom. Respect the Lord and refuse to do wrong." It goes on to talk about how when we do these things our bodies will be strong and we will be blessed abundantly. I'm so thankful for all of the things Christ has shown me, and I'm so happy that at the age of 17 I know my calling, and I know what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm happy that I am able to get an early start, and I never had a chance to mess anything up big time, so that I wouldn't be able to be doing what I'm doing right now. I just get scared, and today was a bad day. I have those sometimes, and sometimes I need to just get it all off of my shoulders. I explained to my friend Frantzy the other day that sometimes we have to go through hard times and tests so that we have greater faith in Christ, and I think it's about time that I start "practicing what I preach" and remember that we do need to go through hard times and trials such as being scared for God to remind us that He IS in control. I love Jesus Christ with all of my heart, and I'm so thankful for all of the things He has done for me. I'm very excited to be on the mission field serving Him every day. But until then I know that I need to go through difficult times, and have bad days like today to remind me He's in control!
-Jenny
Jer. 29:11
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